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Vilgax's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool/Script
STICK 10 EVEN MORE SWAG ANIMATED: Vilgax’s Be Somebody or Be Somebody’s Fool The special starts with Ben, Baumann, Ferrick, Pan-Pizza and Gaben standing around. (Ben): Okay, Pan-Pizza, truth or dare? (Pan-Pizza): Hmm hmm hmm hmm! (Ben): I said, truth or dare? (Pan-Pizza): Hmmm hmmmm hmmmmmmmmmm! (Ben): ANSWER ME (Pan-Pizza): HMMMMMMM HMMMMMMMMMM HMMMMMMMMMM! (Ben): YOU BITCH Ben pulls out a gun and aims it at Pan-Pizza. Pan-Pizza looks scared, but Gaben steals his gun and eats it. (Gaben): Ben, don’t kill Pan-Pizza, what if I die again? (Ben): That WOULD be unfortunate. Ferrick sees Vilgax approaching. (Ferrick): Oh no. It’s Vilgax. He’s annoying. Let’s run. They all run away while Vilgax chases them. (Vilgax): GUUUUYS WAIT FOR ME (Ben): IT’S OKAY I’LL GET RID OF HIM! Ben turns into Hamburglar and blocks Vilgax with a wall of corndogs. (Hamburglar): QUICKLY! RUN! Ben tries to run but he trips on his own hamburger feet and falls over. Ben turns back, and Vilgax eats a hole through the corndog wall. The rest still continues to run. (Vilgax): Heeeeeeeeyy Beeeeeeeeeeen! (Ben): OH GOD DON’T HURT ME PLEASE (Vilgax): Now why would I do that buddy pal oh buddy pal oh buddy pal buddy pal buddy pal o’mine? (Ben): That’s a pretty long nickname. (Vilgax): You deserve it because you’re my BEST FRIEND! Ben gets up. (Ben): Vilgax I fucking hate you. (Vilgax): Teehee, silly Ben. Anyways, I was wondering if you could help me make an educational movie! (Ben): ……What. (Vilgax): I’m making an educational movie! That way I can teach children about many different subjects, like love and being bullied! (Ben): …Vilgax? Are you… doing something good for society? (Vilgax): Yes I am! Do you wanna help? (Ben): …Okay, I guess I can help. (Vilgax): GREAT! We can promote it with your celebrity status! Psyphon lands the Chimerian Stapler nearby. (Psyphon): Come on, hurry up! I don’t know how to fly this thing! (Vilgax): Coming, my darling Psyphon! Vilgax and Ben step into the Chimerian Stapler. However, what they don’t know is that Bill Gacks and Psy Fan are about to attack them with their Chimerian Paper-Shredder! (Bill Gacks): Finally, I’ll defeat that FOOLISH Vilgax! (Psy Fan): I like Psy! (Bill Gacks): Then I guess that makes you a… Psy Fan. Psyphon accidentally backs the Chimerian Stapler into the Chimerian Paper-Shredder. The Chimerian Paper-Shredder crashes into the Baumannatorium. (Bill Gacks): NOOOOO MY PLAN! (Baumann): NOOOO MY STORE! Baumann drops his mail. (Baumann): NOOOO MY MAIL! (Psy Fan): Hey Baumann… (Baumann): Don’t even start that MEANWHILE IN THE CHIMERIAN STAPLER Ben, Vilgax and Psyphon are filming the educational video. (Ben): So what do I do? (Vilgax): Just stand there while Psyphon films us talking about important subjects! And by us I mean me. (Ben): So all I do is stand here while you talk? (Vilgax): Yep! (Ben): Do I get paid for this? (Vilgax): Nope. (Ben): …god dammit Psyphon starts filming. (Vilgax): Hey, kids! Welcome back to Vilgax’s Be Somebody or Be Somebody’s Fool! Today we’re gonna talk about… Gay marriage in Asia! (Ben): What? (Vilgax): Quiet, Ben! Anyways, I don’t really know the gay marriage situation in Asia, in fact I don’t know where it is on the map, but I am 100% sure that those Chinese motherfuckers are racist, homophobic communists! Ben’s jaw drops and hits Psyphon in the toe. (Psyphon): ow (Vilgax): SHUT UP PSYPHON I’M TRYING TO RECORD! Anyways kids, ask your parents about Asians, and tell them what Vilgax said: They’re no good, and we should nuke them! (Ben): WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? (Vilgax): It’s just an infomercial to raise awareness! (Ben): This isn’t an infomercial! You’re hating on the Asians! This is racism, Vilgax! (Vilgax): Oh, so YOU like them? (Ben): ….well no but— (Vilgax): So you’re on my side? (Ben): Well, no, but— (Vilgax): Then what are you, Ben? (Ben): …I-I don’t— (Vilgax): Shut up, we’re recording. Anyways kids, let’s talk about black people! (Ben): oh for fucks sake Cut to Ben sleeping in his room in the middle of the night. He is awoken by Vilgax tapping on his window. (Ben): What do you want, Vilgax? It’s 2 AM in the morning. (Vilgax): Ben! You know the infomercial yesterday? (Ben): The horribly racist one? (Vilgax): We got nominated for an Emmy! (Ben): …WHAT? (Vilgax): I know, right? The ceremony is tomorrow! Bring a date! Vilgax walks away. (Ben): …eh, shit. Ben calls Looma on his phone. (Ben): Hey, Looma? You know the infomercial I did? … Yeah, the racist one. ... We got nominated for an Emmy. … I know, I can’t believe it myself. The show’s tomorrow, wanna come? Looma busts through Ben’s window. (Looma): YES I DO (Ben): WHAT THE FUCK Cut to the next day, at the Emmy’s. Ben and Looma come in, dressed in fancy clothing. They walk over the red carpet, and meet Jennifer Lawrence. (Jennifer Lawrence): Congratulations on your Best Actress nomination, Ben! (Ben): I didn’t know I was nominated for that but okay. Jennifer Lawrence gets up close and personal with Ben. (Jennifer Lawrence): If you take this fucking award from me I will skin you alive. (Ben): …okay. Cut to the actual Emmy’s ceremony. Ice Cube is presenting the award. (Ice Cube): And the nominees are; Albedo, Ben Tennyson, Jennifer Lawrence, and Liam Neeson. (Albedo): Can you believe our erotic thriller got nominated, Eon? (Eon): I know! I thought the Emmy’s were for TV. (Ice Cube): And the winner is… Suspenseful music plays with shots of Albedo sweating nervously, Ben not really caring, Jennifer Lawrence with flames in her eyes, and Liam Neeson who’s just a happy camper who then looks over at Jennifer. (Liam Neeson): Goodness gracious me, her eyes are on fire! (Ice Cube): …BEN TENNYSON! Ben looks up in surprise. (Ben): The shit? (Jennifer Lawrence): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Jennifer Lawrence turns into a gigantic dragon who engulfs the theater in flames. After the flames clear up, all that is left are the nominees and Ice Cube. (Ice Cube): Here’s your Emmy I’m getting the Shrek out of here Ice Cube hands Ben his Emmy. (Ben): But I’m not even an actress! I didn’t even speak! (Vilgax): Yeah, well, about that… (Ben): …Vilgax? What did you do? (Vilgax): I may or may not have edited your face onto clips of Jennifer Lawrence from Silver Linings Playbook. (Ben): WHAT!? Vilgax takes out his phone and shows Ben a clip from Silver Linings Playbook with Ben’s face edited onto Jennifer Lawrence. (Ben): …damn you, Vilgax. Jennifer Lawrence explodes. (Liam Neeson): Goodness gracious me, that gal just exploded! (Ben): SHUT UP LIAM NEESON (Liam Neeson): You don’t have to be rude. (Ice Cube): Liam has a point. Now give your god damn acceptance speech before I cap yo ass. (Ben): Uhh… thanks? Lots of clips of people applauding and yelling. (Ben): You people are insane. Cut to Ben and Looma is Ben’s bed in his room. (Looma): That was great, Ben. (Ben): It would’ve been great for me if you weren’t so bad with your hands. (Looma): Well it could’ve been better if you didn’t finish so quickly! (Ben): I had to finish because you kept spraying it in my face! (Looma): THEN YOU SHOULDN’T ASK ME TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR BROKEN PIPES! Suddenly, Vilgax busts in. (Ben): What is with you people!? There’s a door right there! (Vilgax): Ben, great news! We got nominated for a Golden Globe! (Ben): Again!? Why do we keep getting nominated for your racist infomercial!? (Vilgax): Because it’s swaggy. Duh. Cut to Ben, Looma, Vilgax and Psyphon sitting besides each other at the Golden Globes ceremony. (Liam Neeson): And the winner is... VILGAX’S BE SOMEBODY OR BE SOMEBODY’S FOOL! (Vilgax): YEAH! Vilgax runs up to the stage. Ben follows. (Vilgax): I want to thank everyone for voting, I want to thank my mom, I want to thank Psyphon, I want to thank my beautiful children, and most of all I want to thank Sandra Bullock! I LOVE YOU, SANDRA! (Sandra Bullock): I LOVE YOU TOO, VILGAX! Cut to Ben, Vilgax, Looma and Psyphon driving home in the Chimerian Minivan. (Vilgax): Oh, Psyphon! I’m so happy that I’m winning all these awards! Psyphon is in the back, buried by trophies. (Psyphon): I HAVEN’T EATEN IN 3 DAYS Suddenly, Vilgax hits Liam Neeson with the Minivan. (Liam Neeson): VILGAX! (Vilgax): AAAAAAAAAH (Liam Neeson): Vilgax, I bring you important news! (Vilgax): What is it? (Liam Neeson): You got nominated for an Academy Award! (Vilgax): *gasp* DID YOU HEAR THAT, PSYPHON!? (Psyphon): *muffled* oh good another fucking award (Vilgax): Oh, Psyphon! I love you! Will you marry me, Psyphon? (Psyphon): yeah sure why not better than dying alone (Vilgax): HOORAY! Everytime We Touch plays as Vilgax and Psyphon make out. (Looma): Aw, isn’t that romantic! Ben, isn’t there something you should ask me…? (Ben): Yeah, what’s for dinner? Laugh track and Seinfeld music plays. Cut to Ben’s guest appearance on Late Night with Seth Myers. (Seth Myers): Welcome to the show, Ben. (Ben): Thanks for having me, Seth. (Seth Meyers): So Ben, many people around the world, including me, beliebe that Vilgax is one of the greatest filmmakers of the past decade. What was it like to work with him? (Ben): ...Unique, I guess. (Seth Meyers): And how much did you contribute to the film? (Ben): C-contribute? (Seth Meyers): Well, it said in the credits you co-wrote the film. How much of it was your work? Ben starts sweating. (Ben): R-right, my... c-c-contributions. I... uhh... (Seth Meyers): Come on, Ben. You worked one of the greatest movies of all time. You made history. Ben looks into the audience. They're all staring at Ben, waiting for his answer. (Ben): ...I-I wrote a lot. (Seth Meyers): Fantastic. Well, good luck with your Oscar nomination! (Ben): T-Thank you? (Seth Meyers): Join me next week for our special guests Zipzapplebox, Eerieneekneenie, and Arcade Fire! The audience cheers as Ben sweats some more. Cut to the Academy Awards ceremony. Ben and gang are sitting besides each other, as Billy Larry presents the next award. (Billy Larry): And the nominees are: Vilgax's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool, One Direction: This Is Us, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Seconds, and Evil Shocksquatch. And the winner is... VILGAX'S BE SOMEBODY OR-- that title is way too long for me to read The crowd cheers as Vilgax and Ben come on stage. (Vilgax): I'd like to thank my family, my friends, my fianceé Psyphon, and Sandra Bullock! (Billy Larry): What about you, Ben? Do you have anything to say about the greatest movie of all time? (Ben): *sweating* W-well... (Billy Larry): Come on, Ben! The greatest movie of all time! (Ben): OKAY, WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP SAYING THAT!? The crowd gasps in surprise. (Ben): THIS MOVIE IS DRECK! IT'S RACIST PROPAGANDA! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!? (Vilgax): But Ben! I thought you liked working on this movie! (Ben): Are you kidding me!? I hated working on this piece of Farquaad! I hated working on it, I hate the movie, I hate these stupid awards, AND I HATE YOU! It's absolutely silent. Vilgax stares at Ben, and then he runs away crying. (Vilgax): *runs away crying because if I don't make it a line I'm gonna forget to record it* Ben realizes his mistake and his face is filled with regret. (Ben): Vilgax! Come back, I didn't mean it! (Billy Larry): I think you should leave this stage, Ben Tennyson. The audience starts booing Ben. (Ben): Come on, please! I didn't mean it! Billy Larry pulls the Oscar out of Ben's hands. (Billy Larry): You don't deserve this award. Ben walks off the stage in shame while the audience continues to boo him. Cut to Ben sitting on his bed, looking sad, when Looma comes in. (Looma): Ben? Are you okay? (Ben): What am I gonna do, Looma? Everyone hates me now. I've hurt Vilgax. I've let everyone down... (Looma): Oh, sweetie, don't say that. You can still make it up to him by talking to him. (Ben): You think that's gonna help? (Looma): I'm sure it will. (Ben): Okay, I'll go try. I love you, Looma. (Looma): If you love it then you should put a ring on it. (Ben): stop that Cut to Vilgax crying in his room, when Ben comes in. (Ben): Vilgax, are you okay? (Vilgax): You really think I'm okay after what you did? (Ben): Look, I know I messed up, but... I didn't mean it. (Vilgax): Really? (Ben): I don't actually hate you, Vilgax. In fact... I consider you my friend. (Vilgax): You really do? (Ben): Yes. Yes I do. (Vilgax): Aw, thanks Ben! Hey, wanna be the best man at my wedding? (Ben): Of course I do. (Vilgax): Great! Now all I need is a baby to sacrifice to the sun gods and bless my marriage! (Ben): Is that a Vilgaxian tradition? (Vilgax): No, it's for fun, silly! (Ben): Well, I'll get you that baby! Cut to Looma in Ben's bedroom when Ben comes in. (Ben): LOOMA, WE'RE HAVING A BABY FOR VILGAX! (Looma): Well, why not. 9 MONTHS LATER AT VILGAX AND PSYPHON'S MARRIAGE Vilgax and Psyphon are dressed in gowns, while the guests are dressed in formal attire. Looma is 9 months pregnant. (Looma): Ben, I can feel the baby coming! Shouldn't we go to a hospital? (Ben): Just a little longer. Vilgax and Psyphon walk to the altar, where priest Shrek is. (Shrek): Do you, Vilgax, take Psyphon, to be your ogre? (Vilgax): Yes, I do! (Shrek): And do you, Psyphon, take Vilgax, to be your swamp? (Psyphon): Yes. (Shrek): Then by the power invested in me by the state of California, I now declare you squid and white thing! Vilgax and Psyphon kiss as the guests cheer. (Vilgax): Now, where is that baby? (Looma): Ben! The baby's coming! (Ben): Right on time! Looma poops out a baby, and Ben gives it to Vilgax. Vilgax eats it. (Looma): Wait, so you're telling me I went through 9 months of bloating and crying so he could eat my baby!? (Ben): Yes. THE END Post credit scene with Ben having a spoopy Billy Larry nightmare. Category:Scripts